Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
This a good idea
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya