When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’m confused about plants
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
this is how life feels
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’