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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
absolutely not
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME