Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Strange
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story