Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill