Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.