What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
🍛
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird