My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.