APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Tell the colonel to bring it
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns