My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.