You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.