April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
You Might Also Like
We like the way Dwight thinks
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
No Google it does not
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!