just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
i could never be president. im overqualified.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Ladies, why y’all do this?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.