I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
The glockness monster
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
crazy
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Ok but actually
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.