That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.