Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Xylophonist Shredding It
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you