Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.