[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
tourist season
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
plant them where lol
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?