“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Ferrari squats
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“No way.” -Jose
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”