My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
This made me smile…
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God