Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
When you let grandma cat sit
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]