Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
How actors in movies eat their food
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)