Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You Might Also Like
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I am also baked goods
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?