Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.