[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
You Might Also Like
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Lmao 🤣
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*