HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Covid like
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”