How wrong was this guy?
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if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”