Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
my friends when i can’t do basic math
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!