Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.