Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
lol
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.