[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.