That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Somebody call the cops.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper