Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
looks legit
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
New tinder profile pic
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Godspeed, John Glenn
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
the answer was staring at me all along
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water