You Might Also Like
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
😂😂😂
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos