My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water