My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Strange
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.