Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Easy enough.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree