Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
welcome back
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When someone says you are so lazy
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.