In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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