Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*