Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.