Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
You Might Also Like
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.