Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?