Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one