My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Good news
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?