Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
everyone’s a critic
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.