[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
How wrong was this guy?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.