Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
the rocks need my help
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh