If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.