INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Yup.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill